Amonsgt the Living

Its been 2.5 years since I blogged last.  Its been every emotion under the sun these last 2 years. 

A year after writing the post "Going to hell?" our family went to rally - a protest.  It had been over a year since coming out as her true self. A year of growth, a year or maturity, of education and love. It was October of 2018.  Trump had rolled back educational & other protections for trans individuals put in place by Obama. Trump was also trying to erase trans people by trying to narrowly define gender as the sex you were born as. It was a rally to say "we will not be erased" to who ever would listen.  We participated as a family.  We heard people speak beautiful truths to the trans & trans allies in attendance.  My daughter also got to see the beauty in the people there.  While she was young & didn't understand much of it, she still took much of it to heart.  She still talks about it to this day. 

We were extremely privileged to be in a place where trans voices mattered.  Where a community of people rose to stand together to protect the trans, the queer individuals.  We heard people talk about how they will not be erased, that Trans people are precious chosen people. That they are children of God.  That their life fucking mattered.  We got to hear from people who were pastors of a church that were organizing this protest.  Jonah & Cameron - church planters who started a church, Zao.  Jonah always says Zao's meaning is to be among the living & that really is what Zao is.  Zao is a family, like any church, but they welcome you to the table no matter who you are or how you identify. 

I love this church, y'all. I love that my daughter gets to see every possible family make up.  I love that they teach me of the brown Jesus & how Jesus was truly for the least of these.  That he wants & looks for that lost sheep, whether they be trans, queer, gay or anywhere else on the lgbtqia rainbow they are welcomed & loved by God. 

So needless to say we started going here as said above.  And we haven't really looked back.  My kids are at an age where church is a chore & the drive is annoying to them. But I'm happy they are surrounded by an affirming church family. 

I grew up in the 80's. A common thing among kids who grew up in the 80's was that parents seemed to be concerned with their child's size & weight.  I find this common among some of my fellow 80's peers.  I am sure it happened in other decades, but again I lived in the 80's, so its my lived experience.

It was supposedly on of the last generations were the parents wanted better for their kids. And the kids would likely attain a monetary value above what thier parents achieved.

I grew up in a double working home were my dad owned his company & my mom worked for a company.  My mom worked long hours, I think as a choice at times to escape our families reality.  It was her addiction at the time.

My addiction I guess was food.  It was an ingrained thing.  Party=food. Holiday=food, ect.  We were a meat & potatoes kinda family because that's what my dad liked & a lot of times he was the chef that night.  There are things I distinctly remember, like my mom getting angry because I was too chubby for a size 6x jumper. Like my dad bargaining multiple times with me to loose weight;  buy you a nintendo game boy if you loose 50lbs?  Like having a cabinet full of candy, but it was off limits to me.  There are more, but you get the idea.

As a result of that and other things, my self respect & self image was low during my childhood. I wouldnt realize this until my 20's actually.  As a result I am trying my hardest to not repeat history.  Food is so tied in with trauma & while my kids have in utero trauma, it still should be respected.

So because of my past, I'm trying to raise the future without much condemnation.  I want my child to know that I'm ok with them being them, whatever that means.  I didn't get that until I was older, but I don't want my children to be in their 20's or thirties without knowing they are accepted & loved for who they are no matter what. 

Going to Hell?

I've been personally really struggling with the views of others regarding my child.

My child is beautiful, caring, sassy, creative, loud, & gender non conforming. That last part seems to allow anyone & everyone a voice to complain & criticize our parenting & my child.

I feel like I'm angry at God, I'm angry at the church, I'm angry at "christians" and I'm sad.  I question a lot in my head including who are my friends, are they true.

So, about a month ago, I had a coffee date with a friend who had invited me to a mom's group last year.  We had become fast friends.  Then this summer happened and I asked for prayers because child told me she was a girl.  Friend kinda tossed it to the side, saying I'm sure it's just a phase.  At the coffee date, I struggled with what name to use. She had previously known my child's name. My child chose a new girl's name & I had a hard time around friend.  So after talking about my child for a bit ( she was about 3 months into transition at this point), the friend brought up her churches view - which really isn't a view about trans kids.  In premise, the sermon was about how the church is welcoming of LGB people and they are welcome in the church, but marriage is to be kept sacred in a box between man & woman.

But I thought we aren't supposed to put God in a box? But what about trans people? Are they fucked all together?  I thought God loves all?  Maybe I believe in a hippy-dippy version of God.  But in my heart I know my child is loved by God.  I know my child was created for a purpose.  I know my child was wonderfully made.  I struggle with the belief that a choice that I don't think my child made, causes my child to go to hell.  Nope.  My God taught us to love one another first - above all else.

Hey!

Hi, my name is Tracy & this is were I hope to write about my feelings on all matters on my heart.  I will likely share pictures & stories.  I may even put up a recipie or diy here & there. 

Who am I?  That's a great question that I have struggled with lately. I know this, I am a wife, a daughter & a mother of two. Life has been interesting & challenging lately.  My kids need my whole support while I learn how to parent their uniqueness, while learning to be a strong & unwavering advocate. 

I am a mom who has been shunned from a church, from some people i called friends all because my child is different.  I sure as heck don't promise its going to be easy, it may be quite hard at times actually.  Tag along, wont you?