I grew up in the 80's. A common thing among kids who grew up in the 80's was that parents seemed to be concerned with their child's size & weight.  I find this common among some of my fellow 80's peers.  I am sure it happened in other decades, but again I lived in the 80's, so its my lived experience.

It was supposedly on of the last generations were the parents wanted better for their kids. And the kids would likely attain a monetary value above what thier parents achieved.

I grew up in a double working home were my dad owned his company & my mom worked for a company.  My mom worked long hours, I think as a choice at times to escape our families reality.  It was her addiction at the time.

My addiction I guess was food.  It was an ingrained thing.  Party=food. Holiday=food, ect.  We were a meat & potatoes kinda family because that's what my dad liked & a lot of times he was the chef that night.  There are things I distinctly remember, like my mom getting angry because I was too chubby for a size 6x jumper. Like my dad bargaining multiple times with me to loose weight;  buy you a nintendo game boy if you loose 50lbs?  Like having a cabinet full of candy, but it was off limits to me.  There are more, but you get the idea.

As a result of that and other things, my self respect & self image was low during my childhood. I wouldnt realize this until my 20's actually.  As a result I am trying my hardest to not repeat history.  Food is so tied in with trauma & while my kids have in utero trauma, it still should be respected.

So because of my past, I'm trying to raise the future without much condemnation.  I want my child to know that I'm ok with them being them, whatever that means.  I didn't get that until I was older, but I don't want my children to be in their 20's or thirties without knowing they are accepted & loved for who they are no matter what. 

Going to Hell?

I've been personally really struggling with the views of others regarding my child.

My child is beautiful, caring, sassy, creative, loud, & gender non conforming. That last part seems to allow anyone & everyone a voice to complain & criticize our parenting & my child.

I feel like I'm angry at God, I'm angry at the church, I'm angry at "christians" and I'm sad.  I question a lot in my head including who are my friends, are they true.

So, about a month ago, I had a coffee date with a friend who had invited me to a mom's group last year.  We had become fast friends.  Then this summer happened and I asked for prayers because child told me she was a girl.  Friend kinda tossed it to the side, saying I'm sure it's just a phase.  At the coffee date, I struggled with what name to use. She had previously known my child's name. My child chose a new girl's name & I had a hard time around friend.  So after talking about my child for a bit ( she was about 3 months into transition at this point), the friend brought up her churches view - which really isn't a view about trans kids.  In premise, the sermon was about how the church is welcoming of LGB people and they are welcome in the church, but marriage is to be kept sacred in a box between man & woman.

But I thought we aren't supposed to put God in a box? But what about trans people? Are they fucked all together?  I thought God loves all?  Maybe I believe in a hippy-dippy version of God.  But in my heart I know my child is loved by God.  I know my child was created for a purpose.  I know my child was wonderfully made.  I struggle with the belief that a choice that I don't think my child made, causes my child to go to hell.  Nope.  My God taught us to love one another first - above all else.

Hey!

Hi, my name is Tracy & this is were I hope to write about my feelings on all matters on my heart.  I will likely share pictures & stories.  I may even put up a recipie or diy here & there. 

Who am I?  That's a great question that I have struggled with lately. I know this, I am a wife, a daughter & a mother of two. Life has been interesting & challenging lately.  My kids need my whole support while I learn how to parent their uniqueness, while learning to be a strong & unwavering advocate. 

I am a mom who has been shunned from a church, from some people i called friends all because my child is different.  I sure as heck don't promise its going to be easy, it may be quite hard at times actually.  Tag along, wont you?